check this out, a first page, light on dialogue but heavy on screentime! Give me your thoughts please (and the fact that each characters name is always in CAPITALS is just how I like it for now)
EDIT
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ March 10, 2004 03:09 PM: Message edited by: slamjockey ]</font>
It's hard to really get a judgement on the story without knowing exactly what's going on, but I do want to read on, which is good.
You can write. I didn't notice any clunky lines and you're dialogue seemed pretty natural. Maybe you could post a page or two more?
cheers buddy, when my page quota increases i'll post something else up but from this point on is where the first plot detour/diversion/half-twist occurs
but i thought i would gauge reaction up until this point (in all reality would be about five- ten minutes in now!)
to brainmuncher below: i understand where your coming from and i guess i wouldn't ever know until it was filmed but it was the type of feel i was getting from it. cheers
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ March 07, 2004 06:24 AM: Message edited by: slamjockey ]</font>
Dialogue was refreshingly natural, as already said.
If that was five minutes, no offence, but it might seem like a bit of a pretentious twat film...not that I can talk...but maybe you want to cut down on the screen time before the twist?
I disagree. There's not enough dialogue to judge it.
For me, the action sequences are just a little too descriptive, and at times muddled, eg.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">In a screenplay it is always better to use visual clues as to how a character is feeling or what they are thinking. Here though you are telling us things that can't be SEEN, so how do we know? This is a script, NOT a book.The street is normal...
she?s pissed off and then though she sees what she?s been looking for...
there is something different about her compared to the world around her
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">2 things here, who are we? Don't use 'we' in action description. Second thing, a debatable comment, but I wouldn't use camera direction. There is no point whatsoever; even if you directed it, why make choices like that in the script stage? If you don't direct it, then camera directions will be completely ignored.We slowly dolly
Plus, a small point. I doubt very much that this would be 5-10 mins so far. More like 2-3.
All in all, my reaction so far is that it's 'familiar'. By that I mean it doesn't appeal to me as it seems a cliche start.
However, I'd read more before confirming that theory. I don't think there's enough there to make a fair judgement.
Hope this helps, good luck with it.
i appreciate your thoughts and the camera thing i do sometimes when a shot pops in my mind that i don't want to forget. but if i was to ever try selling this thing i'd have to do a vast editing job on things like that.
and it does seem very heavy on description at the mo but it is a first draft and i wanted to get everything down so thanks for the thoughts.
as and when i have more I shall post on up.
Could you maybe post some more?
Not bad at all-no problems with the story.
My criticism concerns your writing style and these may seem minor, but they are important.
You could make things a bit clearer, "His name is probably Travis." WTF? It is or it isn't- screenplays arent supposed to be vague and this smacks of lazineess on your part.
Also, think about breaking up the descriptive passages a bit and injecting some rythym. I mean, theres no need to mention the characters name every five seconds. It makes your style look clumsy on the page. Also you dont need her name in capitals after the first time.
That was great, i could really visualise the film, great dicription, great story, i cant wait to see more.
Some things i didnt like, for one is "his name may be travis" well, yeah it may be harry and bob as well, its information i dont need.
Also stop saying elenors name, "elenor moves then elenor moves again then elenor moves elenor again elenor" Just cut the elenors out, its distracting.
Apart from that, i think its intriquing. Th ekind of story i like. But.. If she knows shes dead, why does she call for a waiter?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I think that what SJ is trying to portray is Although Eleanor knows she is dead, she wants to confirm it somehow.Originally posted by Initiate:
Apart from that, i think its intriquing. Th ekind of story i like. But.. If she knows shes dead, why does she call for a waiter?
I can picture the scene, shot in Slow motion, with mostly a dark, grayed out scene with the main characters more coloured, livlier than everyone else...
I like it, but I agree with ppl above. You're writing it, so you decide what ppl's names are. "His name is probably Travis" is just lazy!
Keep going!
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